Tip 1: The greatest tool you have in your guerrilla marketing arsenal is your passion and desire to kill yourself every time you read, think, or hear about marketing your book. If you can communicate this passion and desire to readers, booksellers, and major media outlets, you will make them your "multi-level marketing partner" in your own suicide!
Tip 2: Listen, you had better sit down and fucking list every goddamn near-famous person you ever had any hope of coming in contact with, and you better start stalking them to do something for you and your stupid book before you kill yourself, otherwise you're going to be a total failure. Never mind that you would rather eat dogshit off the sidewalk than ask people you don't know for favors, that it strikes you as the height of rudeness and not at all how you want to do business -- too bad, the dogshit thing isn't even an option, and frankly I'm disgusted with you for even bringing it up. I mean, I may need a Listerine strip to get the horrible taste off my BRAIN.
Tip 3: Timing is essential. You want to kill yourself just as your book hits the marketplace. Not before -- then it's like, "Who cares? I don't know enough about this author's passion and desire. I'll just buy another copy of Tuesdays With Morrie instead of this dead chick's book." But conversely, you don't want to wait too long after your publication date to "do the deed." You only have a three-month window in which to influence bookbuyers and determine the entire future of your career. So kill yourself sooner, rather than later!
Assuming a Jan 3, 2006 pub date, a good timetable would be:
MAY - JAN: Obsess about all the shit you're apparently supposed to be doing to promote your book: sending out media kits, begging people to notice you, launching "street team" campaigns in your hometown and other cities, expanding your networks of professional contacts beyond your boyfriend, weed dealer, and take-out delivery guy, making endless fucking lists of people, places, and things that have any pertinence at all to your book ("...um, WORDS!...and, IDEAS!...and, PEOPLE!...and STUFF!") so that you can exploit cross-promotional marketing opportunities with them. Pray for all this to be over, and to feel death's relieving embrace.
DEC: Pre-publication publicity blitz: Stand in Times Square barking, passing out flyers. Also, stockpile barbituates.
JAN 3 - 10: Book Launch! Do a lot of press and readings. Check your Amazon status every six seconds. Kiss loved ones goodbye.
JAN 10: Kill yourself. You're a fucking hack anyway. It's not like you have more than one book in you. You might as well do everything you can to sell this one!