Someone I knew had a copy of Stan Lee's The Superhero Women, which I pored over until the spine cracked, and loose pages threatened to mutiny. All those buxom, muscular women with wasp waists -- Red Sonja, Shanna the She-Devil -- hanks of their lush hair coiling like snakes as they kicked, hacked, and judo-jabbed their much larger, male opponents, most of whom were either sexually threatening, sexually appealing, or both.
But none of the stories appealed to me nearly so much as that of Lyra the Femizon. I mean, did you see that slave?
HELL! OH! OH HELL!
So, it's in the goth warrior future, and women rule the earth. Lyra is the sister of Queen Vega, who also has a sexy evil bald head of security whispering in her ear about Lyra's lack of loyalty to the sisterhood. And it's true, when Lyra acquires a male slave who breaks into her secret room full of brain tapes that detail the history of the female revolution, instead of slaying him, she sleeps with him! And then she decides to fight with him on the side of the rebel men for a gender-balanced society!
HAH! The idiot!
But they are discovered, and she has to publicly kill her slave/lover in order to keep their revolution alive (her lover's name, by the way, is MOGON OF THE HILLS). It is too fucking sad when she runs that Mogon through with her sword in the name of the sisterhood! Rrragh!
Anyway, the lessons I learned from Lyra at age seven:
Metal bikinis = always a good look
Bald women = lesbians
Men = good as slaves, but when they get too close, you always wind up having to kill them
Just be true to the sisterhood, and then you won't have any problems where you have to kill your lover, Mogon of the hills
But here I am now, selling out to the patriarchy, marrying a slave. But one of the ways I knew I wanted to marry Bill was on our first Christmas together, when he presented me with my own vintage copy of Stan Lee's The Superhero Women, because he remembered me going on and on about Lyra the Femizon one time months before. Tears sprang to my eyes, and I couldn't even speak -- what a perfect, amazing gift.
I just hope I don't wind up having to kill him down the line.