In my magical tower made of ice cream

I am a fairy goddess, living in a magical tower made of ice cream! You can go around licking the delicious creamy walls, and they will never melt, or get sticky, nor will you catch anything from anybody else who might have been walking around licking walls, because the magic ice cream tower is also antibacterial. All the furniture in my tower is made of candy, which you can also eat, without ever gaining weight or getting cavities, or even having that sick, overstuffed feeling where you actually think purging might be a viable option, but just this once. There is no urge to purge in the magic tower! Everything is rainbows and pony rides and foot rubs and expensive hydroponics, and the fountains spurt chocolate and champagne.

I am a fairy goddess! I look out the cookie-shuttered window of my magical ice cream tower, across the glorious rolling fields and crowded avenues of the land I love, and I see happy people living productive lives of peace and joy. If I see anyone being a douchebag, I simply wave my fairy wand, and they are suffused with a profound sense of self-awareness, almost bordering on shame but not quite, which causes them to seek a theraputic relationship with a licensed counselor in an effort to change the destructive patterns they inherited from their parents. Or they disappear in a puff of fart-smelling smoke. It depends on how much of a douchebag they were being, and what kind of mood I'm in. But of course I'm always in a wonderful mood, because I am a fairy goddess, living in a magical ice cream tower. You can't piss me off, no matter how hard you try. So stop trying.

Stop trying to piss me off! It won't work! I AM A FUCKING FAIRY GODDESS, DO YOU HEAR ME? BECAUSE I DO NOT HEAR YOU! LA LA LA LA LA! THE UNICORNS ARE SINGING! I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER MY MAGIC ICE CREAM STABLE FULL OF SINGING UNICORNS!

Ah, so soothing, the song of the unicorns. What is that, Kelis? It's very catchy. Maybe later I will saddle up a unicorn and fly it on over to the magic disco, where beautiful women and men dance topless on the soft fragrant grass, amidst luminescent bubbles, with wreaths of orchids in their hair. Then we will all come back to my castle and sit around on cotton candy pillows, watching hilarious movies with trenchant and insightful social commentary that help us all understand our own fragment of the human story as part of a greater, meaningful whole. I always have lots of guests at the castle, and they always write me thank you notes on scented stationery the next day saying what a wonderful time they had, and thanking me for my flabbergasting generosity. They often include a gift certificate for a nice clothing store I like, or a massage.

Nothing can hurt me in my ice cream castle. Nothing can hurt me period, because I am a fairy goddess, and because I am so psychologically well-adjusted that I can immediately recognize and deflect other people's bullshit, and can accept them for the flawed, non-fairy-goddess-like beings that they are. People can gossip about me, or chew my ass, or even lie about things I said or did to make me look bad to other people, and I am filled with understanding and forgiveness! It seeps out from every pore until I am covered with understanding and forgiving blackheads, which I then squeeze, releasing yet more understanding and forgiveness to the world! Look at me, riding around on my unicorn, understanding and forgiving, with starshine shooting out of my ass! I must be the most reasonable, mature fairy goddess ever to live in a magic ice cream castle! Whee!

In any case, it is almost time for me to lay back down in my licorice bed, from which I am never awakened at five am by a furious headache and a roiling in my gut, and to dream about frolicking with gummy bears and kittens in a field of flowers and laughing gas.

I love being a fairy goddess! It's the best!

Comments

[Éireann]

Understanding and forgiving blackheads. Ew. Such a visual.

But honestly. Beautiful. And also, Word.

[Khali]

I especially liked:

"Stop trying to piss me off! It won't work! I AM A FUCKING FAIRY GODDESS, DO YOU HEAR ME? BECAUSE I DO NOT HEAR YOU! LA LA LA LA LA! THE UNICORNS ARE SINGING! I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER MY MAGIC ICE CREAM STABLE FULL OF SINGING UNICORNS"

I am so there!

[Kendall Messner]

Thank you...what a wonderful trip you lead the reader on in this hyper-descriptive ride.

Very creative and fun.

First time poster!

-Kendall

[Kevin]

I used to eat antibacterial, non-melting ice cream all the time! It came in a neat tube that some silly bastard labeled “toothpaste”. Mmm mint.

[Éireann]

antibacterial ice cream? ewww. ice cream should never do anything healthy for you. that's like, a contradiction in terms.

[Billbo Scurrins]

If it were truly a happy kingdom, I'd rather the vanquished were wished away with a raspberry scent, rather than the sulphurous odor of flatus.

[Dana]

That reminds me of my unfortunate descision to compete in the 21 scoop ice cream orgy last week with my friends. Ever puked Superman Ice cream? No good.

[girlbomb]

You guys, you're not being very serious about my magic ice cream tower! If you want a return invite, I suggest you respect my fairy goddess powers. Otherwise, it's only bacterial ice cream for you from now on.

(Hi, Kendall! Nice to meet you!)

[Kevin]

Yay! Frozen yogurt! Mmm... chocolate and lactobacillus.