"Feminist Men": Oxymorons, or Simply Morons?

Lately, there's been a spate of "male feminists" posting at the BBs where I lurk. At first I saw them and I thought, great! I mean, I like feminists, and I like men, so you'd think I'd love this purported hybrid of the two. And yet, no, not so much, not so much at all.

As a matter of fact, it's caused me to realize that most of the men I've personally known who have made a huge hairy point of identifying as feminists have been either date rapists, mom fetishists, porn addicts, or bear daddies inflicting their frustrated pseudopaternal tendencies on women. They are some of the most passive-aggressive, patronizing, out-dishing without it-taking twerps on the planet, and they are poisoning the women's movement from the inside by sapping the hell out of everyone's goddamn energy.

Example: "Pud" is a married thirtysomething man who joins a feminist bulletin board and starts posting long, ingratiating, groveling, weasely rants against the evils of plastic surgery, singing instead of the glory of the small, natural breast. Feminists soon smell a tit freak, and tell him to go blow. He is affronted, telling the feminists that they are doing their movement great harm by denying him membership -- he is wounded! What kind of humanist collective bars members on the basis of sex? Sexist ones! And thereby the feminists are sexist, and Pud is the sole champion of women's rights left on the planet, goddess bless him!

Example Two: Edgy sexy artsy bisexual left-wing guy is always suggestive and provocative, always posting impassioned essays on Art and Politics, and especially Feminism. He talks about the pro-choice rallies and political events he's attended, but he doesn't mention that he went for the chicks. He likes to tell people what feminism does and doesn't mean -- to him, feminism is mostly about "women's freedom to express themselves sexually without being shamed or oppressed by other feminists." Id est: porn, threesomes, and you taking the pill. He'll argue for sex-positive feminism all day long, putting down other feminists for being "patronizing, infantilizing, and patriarchal." PS: He's only pretending to be bisexual.

Example Three: Mister Marxist is more marxist than you! While you are talking about cute shoes in the "feminist" lounge, he is busy pedaling an exercise bike in his dank basement in order to power a hand-cobbled CPU that allows him to further the struggle of the Black and the Poor and the Undertrodden through the relentless sharing of information -- specifically, the information that everything about society and everyone in it is racist and classist and not very Marxist at fucking all! So why are you bitches of privilege just sitting there perpetuating gender stereotypes and not smashing the KKKorporation and meanwhile using paper napkins which are killing Mister Marxist's soul a little bit more every day?

And oh, I could go on all night, detailing examples of the petty, the wheedly, the divisive, the pompous, the attention-hogging, the knowing-it-all, the sexually predatory...ah, good times...but instead, let's post a handy checklist for the symptoms of Male Feminism.

1. Name drops bell hooks (making sure to drop the caps), or has sig quote by Rigoberta Menchu. Will suggest that you read such and such essay by such and such feminist before you discuss the topic at hand further, as it's a "must read."

2. Feigns sympathy for the rigors of the menstrual cycle. "Oh, cramps, bummer; I getcha, sister. By the way, most men are really put off by talking about cramps, but not me, I'm used to your crazy gross moon blood vagina ritual, because I'm evolved."

3. Is smarter than you, and more "rational" (i.e., not ruled by terrifying and psychotic mood swings), but doesn't hold that against you. Understands that women are more "emotional" than men, and therefore susceptible to "simple misinterpretation." Smirks, smarms, provokes, and blathers until you go crazy, then calls you crazy.

4. Loves porn, even if he pretends to hate it. As a matter of fact, the more he professes to hate it, the more hardcore and specific the porn is.

Now, I'm not saying that every man who believes in the equality of the importance of women and men is secretly a douche; I'm not saying that at all. I'm lucky enough to be domestically partnered to a guy who does half the housework, yields 50 percent of the remote, rallies and marches with me, and writes the appropriate outraged emails to Congress when needed. But he doesn't go online and start talking about the reverse gender oppression of Mary Daly, or how Dworkinites have ruined anal sex. Thank the goddess. And I'm not trying to stereotype anyone, because that would be socially wrong, and as a feminist, I am against social wrongness. I'm sure there are some wonderful male feminists out there; I can't wait to meet them, myself. Because the ones I know are just bitches.

Comments

[Kyria]

I guess saying you don't like porn is supposed to make a man appear "sensitive". But I imagine these men sitting in front of a hot picture of a beautiful woman, holding their limp, saggy penis and whining, "Ewwwwwe!"* This is extremely creepy.

*He's also scratching hives on his forearm.

[Éireann]

THAT IS SO COMPLETELY TRUE. I would like to copy that, word for fucking WORD and hand it out at the next Feminist Students United meeting, which is mostly run entirely by two feminist MEN, one of whom is Example 3 and one of whom is a (balding) Example 2. IT DRIVES ME INSAAAAAAAAANNNNNNE. That is why I rarely go to meetings, and only receive their emails via the listserv, wherein they bitch about the lack of participation in the club, and lack of attendence at meetings at their mother's homes.

[Jennifer Glick]

They're just twats. Manipulative, idiotic, passive agressive twats. Not so far away from the icky hipster boyfriend. They both should be shunned.

I married a man that likes football, baseball and musical theatre. Does that make me a lesbian?

[Jennifer Glick]

A real feminist man doesn't have to go on line or lead a group of women who don't want to date him to prove it.

[amy]

Some things are immune to the passing of time. I remember some of those guys from Columbia, MO, circa 1986.

[Melissa]

I couldn't finish reading this post because when I got to the words "Edgy sexy artsy bisexual left-wing guy" I threw up a little inside my mouth.

[Bill Scurry]

This is awesome.

[kat]

I threw up in my mouth when I get to edgy bisexual artsy left wing guy too.

Janice-you are so insightful. i love you.

[RoseViolet]

Utter perfection. They should publish that in the next Bust ... or in the next Men We Love issue for all those assholes who pick it up just to find out how to get into our panties. "Let this be a warning: we're on to you."

I married a sweet man who I just happened to meet on a feminist website, but who doesn't feel comfortable calling himself a feminist for various reasons. So, yes, not *all* of the males are so bad. But the bad ones? Truly horrifying. Especially Example #2.

[ae]

Haha! Wonderful. #3 is perfect, and #4 too true.

[Lunasol]

this made me laugh so hard i practically spit water out of my nose.

sadly, i've known way too many of these guys. now, whenever i hear a guy identify himself as a feminist, i keep my distance...

[Jym Dyer]

=v= Once upon a time I subscribed to a "Pro-Feminist Men" listserv, which was itself subscribed to a tenet that men shouldn't refer to ourselves as feminists. You'd think the fellas on that list might be, I dunno, extra sensitive or something, but it didn't take long for some of them to start opining that "no" might mean "yes" in cases of date rape. I was disgusted and left the list.

I don't think labels matter so much as how people act.

[iLLa]

yeah.

this speaks to one of the criticism classes i took. one of the perspectives from which we could choose to evaluate a work was, indeed, feminist. that was *the hardest* perspective to do an essay for.

eireann at pooblog has seen me through almost every phase of the political spectrum and i've got to say, i really don't know where i belong.

i read rush limbaugh's books in high school, but last year i almost got arrested for throwing an abortion protester's sign into the creek.

what i'm trying to say is that i know how *i* feel about most issues, and i'm perpetually surprised that most people don't just see things my way, whatever that is at the moment. 'cos wouldn't that be easier?

[erikka]

Janice, this is brilliant as always. Hope all is well with you!

[Lys]

So, so, so true.

And why do I encounter men with Symptom #3 all. the. damn. time?!

[Julesey]

*claps* Excellent, simply excellent!!

[girlbomb]

Ah, this post brings out the very best of the BUSTies, the cream of the BUSTie crop. It's an honor!

[kittenb]

I loved this. Thanks for writing this down and thanks to fuzzilla for posting it.

[Phil Rose]

Wow! Janice, you rock. Every word is fucking brilliant. I'm afraid type 2s have been at the helm of every movement: beatniks, hippies, anti-war, Marxist, anarchist, probably even anti-slavery. "Free love for all, especially me!" is their battle cry. And I last about 5 seconds talking with a type 3 before I just walk away. They're just tedious. Love you!

[an antifeminist]

I am male

And guess what?

I am the exact reverse of a feminist

You probably won't like men who can actually see past your feministic, spiteful lies and hate-tactics, and prefer gender traitors such as pro-feminist males who pander to your every deluded whim

Feminism is nothing more than a selfish, spiteful ideology that will one day be exposed for what it really is

[Random Name Generator]

Many years ago now, when I was young and mistaken enough to think I was a poet (because I felt soooo much deeper than others and it made service industry work bearable when I had a secret artistic alter-ego) I would go alone to the Nuyorican and read my poem commentaries without the slightest trace of poetmouth. (Hint: It helps to write with meter even if you don't need the couplets.)

I was lucky enough to see poets who lifted the room and dear sister Janice was one of them. I bought her chapbook, Girlbaum, a long time back and just found it. And googled this blog.

It's still great. You're great.

But I digress.

Janice read a poem about a high school sexual encounter that wasn't exactly rape even though it was. About a girl looking to hang who gets taken and used.

I realized I was the man in the poem. Not literally. But close enough that it fucked me up. It was one of the only times I had a literal epiphany. I hurt someone when I was young, dumb and full of come and probably fucked her up in ways I had never thought about. After all, she consented. Right?

I'm the left-wing type. Active. Around. Don't call myself a feminist because that's the "white, middle class" thing. Identity politics, yadda yadda. Did some clinic defense, got macho with the butches in Buffulo. I've even written a few articles and reviews about feminism and porn on the porn=bad tip.

I hate porn (and watch it all the time). True. I've written about that too, though not the watching it all the time (and it is exactly the more hardcore, "specific" kinds). I'm downloading it right now even as I write this.

It's hard, sis. Not my little man, but the shit to negotiate in this life. Not asking for your sympathy -- but considering how hard it is for women to get out from under, how hard again it is for men to be what they hope they can be, or think they should be, but aren't.

I tried to demachify myself to no great effect. I'm a fucking dude at the end of the day and now just try to be pretty upfront, find a woman who appreciates me for what I am and treat her right.

A loud-mouth guy with a good heart who means well, does the dishes most of the time, cooks good enough to impress the parentals, fucks like I've watched porn my whole life and gives the necessary foot massages without pretending like menstrual women aren't, in fact, out of their fucking minds.

I pretty much gave up trying to be Feminist Man because:

1) I was miserable, thinking masculinity was "sexist" - and

2) Women didn't appreciate it. At all. Oh, they wanted to talk about all the decidedly non-feminist guys who were "horrible" enough to fuck.

Like more than a few, I couldn't help but noticing how all my "feminist" sisters just loved going out with guys who were not even TRYING. The more MAN they were, the better the draw. Oh, and a professional income is always appreciated by the "liberated" sisters out there who think poverty is a personal defect. Point being we all got our shizzle.

Frustrating how much we are all exactly what we are.

Can I still appreciate shaved women, all that shit AND actually listen, recognize that every woman isn't waiting to fuck me and that there's a time and place for each?

Well, that's what I came to anyway: treat people like you want to be treated, be up front about what you want and relax. I don't know if that's feminism, but it seems to be working out alright.

Oh, and fuck Mary Daly. That shit is ridiculous. (Dude.)

[girlbomb]

(I wound up writing this comment a few months after posting this, as it started to make its way around the stupid "blogosphere," and I feel like it was being misinterpreted. So here's my fucking clarification, as much as it peeves me to write it:)

First of all, the piece was intended to be comedic, and as such, it is hyperbolic in tone. I was "taking the piss," as they say, and the argument was intentionally overstated, DUH.

Second of all, it's still all fucking true. I don't say that "no man can be a feminist," or "all feminist men suck." I know for a fact that men can be feminists, and that they can be awesome. What I do say in that post is that many of the men I've met who have an overarching need to identify publicly as feminists are doing so for reasons unrelated to real feminism, reasons having more to do with their egos, mommy issues, and sex drives than their politics. That the psychology of men who make a big deal of their feminism -- rather than just living it, as my beloved domestic partner does -- tends to be, in my experience, rather suspect.

That's it. That's all I said. Not that men can't be feminists, or all men this or all men that. Just that a lot of guys who spend a lot of time yammering about feminism online are simultaneously pulling it to another browser window.

But I'm glad my rep as a real man-hating feminist (tm) is spreading. Maybe now I can get on Maury!

[BEG]

--> Smirks, smarms, provokes, and blathers until you go crazy, then calls you crazy.<--
Oh my god. "Feminist" or no...this one's just revelatory of a deep seated hatred of women, whatever they profess on the surface. At least the neanderthals who pat you on the head until you do go crazy are upfront about it...

[Clio Bluestocking]

I knew a "Mr. Marxist." Actually, he was "Professor Marxist," the one who has the red flag of Che Gueverra in his office. Well, he started saying "I am a Sister, too," to prove that he was also "Prof. Uber-Marxist-Feminist." He so disgusted some of us women, including his wife, that we got together, cleaned out the feminine hygeine products aisle at the local drugstore, and gave to him in a very large and flowery gift bag. "Whenever you use any of these products for their intended purpose," we wrote on the card, "you can call yourself a 'Sister.'" He got the point.

So, to address girlbomb's point, this isn't about whether men can or cannot be feminists, it is about feminism being an ideal that run-of-the-mill jerks will use as a pick-up line or as a tool to unleash criticism on women. Men who really support women's rights make themselves known without advertisement.