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April 2008

Blogs are supposed to be weird and personal

There's a woman who goes to the gym in my building around the same time I do, most every morning. She is young, tall, blond, and thin, with a pinched face, like she begrudges every calories that makes it through her pursed lips. Her arms are wet ropes that swim from the sleeves of her t-shirt. It is obvious that she did not spend the weekend, as I did, eating dim sum, cheese blintzes, and gummy sharks.

I am usually on the treadmill when she gets there, and I note the time as she steps on the next treadmill over. 8:16. I have six minutes on her. So, there. She keeps her head down, starts her machine, then looks up at Good Morning America, with its ersatz subtitling, her earbuds in her ears like everyone else's. She runs with her elbows close to her body, like she's suspicious.

I look at my thighs in the mirror. There is dimpled flesh, out where people can see it. My knees have little flab hats. I should wear pants, or leggings, but I get too hot.

Also, I am old, and short. And married.

The first time she clambered up on the treadmill next to me, I had to smile. We looked like the two island castaways on the old Bugs Bunny cartoon, the ones who'd been without food for so long that they started to fantasize about eating each other, and they turned into a hot dog and a hamburger running around in a circle. She was the long, lean, elegant hot dog, sprinting away, and I was the little round hamburger guy, running after her on my stubby legs with an ax.

When running alone or outdoors, I sing along to the music I'm listening to, maybe every other phrase ("I won't change my life...just fine..."). When others are present, I limit myself to mouthing the words. It's weird, but everyone is weird at the gym; it's such a weird, personal thing to be doing, exercising in public. So I sing along without sound, and when the thin blonde comes in and takes her grim place on the next treadmill, I smile.

I smile because if I don't, I will feel such horrible jealousy and self-loathing that I will come to an abrupt halt and fall directly under the treadmill and be ground up to death in a gory industrial accident. I will seriously look over at her and hate myself for the full duration of the run, if I do not smile while saying to myself over and over, "I am happier this way. I am happier this way. I am happier this way."

I don't know what I mean by this. I mean that I am happier not dieting, that much is true. I could have that body -- I had that body, shorter, but with better breasts -- but I'm no longer twenty-three. And I don't feel like being hungry and cranky and resentful of people who actually allow themselves to eat. So in that respect I am happier this way.

I am happier this way. HAPPIER THAN YOU BITCH. YOU MAY BE THINNER THAN ME BUT I AM HAPPIER THAN YOU. LOOK AT ME, I'M SMILING. I'M ENJOYING MY RUN. I DO IT BECAUSE I ENJOY IT, NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO LOOK LIKE YOU. OKAY?

She runs for forty-five minutes. I smile the entire time. She gets off and I keep going; I'll do an hour to her forty-five. She leaves the gym with her sour, downcast look, and I flatter myself that she noticed me smiling, that it peeved her somehow. I win. I am happier this way. I win.

Pressing the Escape key

We're getting out of town for the next few days. Thanks so much for the comments on the previous post; they're much appreciated. I hope to be back to my old solipsistic, hyperconfessional navel-gazing self soon. In the meantime, thinking of you with gratitude and love.

Horrible internet funk

I am seriously thinking about quitting the internet.

Guest blogger: Lori Mocha

Lori

Writing Sucks I Mean I Love It

By Lori Mocha

Well here's the deal, writing isn't always so very super fun. I sorta hate it actually. It's lonely and can be super boring.

But I love it too. It has its obvious rewards or I wouldn't do it. And I love to make people laugh. LOVE IT.

Yet what I love most is the connection.

I like to think of us all laughing together, my readers and I. And them going yeah and! And me going yeah I know! And we are all laughing and going oh my god I know what you mean! And then we laugh and laugh and laugh some more.

That is why I write. For that feeling. That is why blogging is my first true love. The instant connection. It feels so great. No revision required.

Now revising. That is the hardest part of writing for me. Chopping up the same damn thing over and over. Soooooo boring.

Oh and lonely. It's total isolation.

I struggle with that HARDCORE. I don't want to sit here all alone condensing life. I want to write and move on to the next thing.

However, I know when something I write could be better. I know I should fix it. But fixing it is tedious busy work. Ugh.

Instead, it might seem I prefer to just lie on the couch crying about my buckets of lost dreams when I should find inspiration in making buckets of cash for what I ultimately love to do. I know that's unoriginal. But I need more than integrity to live. And not just for my underwater ipod but for important stuff like all my medication.

For now though, I'll just sit back and blog. Oh and write inappropriate emails, especially late at night. Oh man, do I love to write those. Probably because I don't have to revise them.

But if I ever want to be a "real writer" then I probably need to revise something once in awhile.

What a bunch of baloney.

In the end I guess less is more, but when is more enough?

More friends with more books!

BarflowerLook! It's Lea's book! It just came out today -- two days after her wedding (ZOMG) -- now she's married, with a little book-baby! Bar Flower is the story of Lea's (decadently destructive) time as a Japanese bar hostess -- part geisha, part booze salesman, all hustler. It's getting great reviews ("A juicy read" from Kirkus Reviws, "Endlessly candid and engaging" from Booklist, and an A- from E Weekly!), and I'm kvelling for her so hard I'm hurting myself.

SchragAlso just out: a reissue of Ariel Schrag's first two books, Awkward and Definition. I'd already read her third book, Potential (and bought copies for some of my favorite young women), but I'd never been able to get a hold of these; the minute I did, I sat right down and tore through them in an afternoon. Written and drawn during the summers after Ariel's freshman and sophomore years of high school, these books are so funny, painful, and honest; it's prescient work from a precociously talented kid (okay, she's not a kid anymore, though she is still, disgustingly, many years younger than me).

Yes, I am bragging again about all the cool writer chicks I know. That's just how I (blog)roll.

Me again, again

Two exciting bits of news for me last week, both involving re-publication:

1. Gather ye first editions while ye may, because Have You Found Her is going into its second printing! Hooray for my wonderful agent and editor, and for publicists Patty Park and Lauren Cerand, for helping to make this possible.

2. The UK version of Girlbomb (which is called The Runaway, and is otherwise the exact same book with a few extra vowels in it) is being re-released in the next few weeks with a new cover:

Runaway

So pulpy, right? Doesn't she look terribly young and vulnerable? Don't you just want to give her a good home? She's on "the streets!" (Which...technically I wasn't, but if it's going to get all the little Lily Allens and Amy Winehouses to pick up my book, fine.)

All of this is exceptionally good news for me, as now I don't feel the pressure to write another book, since the first two keep multiplying like rabbits. Little, inert, square rabbits with pages instead of feet. Rab-books. Whatever -- it's good.

Recapping the NY Round Table Writers' Conference

First impression: All tables are in fact rectangular. Also, my suit of armor appears to be out of place.

Friday 2pm Non-Fiction panel:

Moderator Janet Reid is funny. Beloved editor Bruce Tracy has a goatee, looks like evil Bruce Tracy from another dimension. Janet asks how many people in the audience are memoirists. Fifty percent of us raise our filthy hands.

Top three questions from the audience:

1. How do we break in?

Answers: Write a proposal, get an agent. Get published in magazines and online. Be a good writer.

2. What else can we do to increase our chances?

Answers: Research your market, get a platform, don't be a rude asshole. Be a good writer.

3. Here is a summary of my book idea, which I will present to you for as long as I am allowed to hold on to the microphone.

Answers: ...

Saturday 2pm Memoir panel

I am on this one, along with five other memoirists and a moderator. There are enough people on the dais for a scrimage. I sit down between Phoebe Damrosch and Stephanie Elizondo Griest and immediately bump my knee on the table leg.

Top three questions from the audience:

1. How much can you fudge?

Answers: (Varied, depending on who was answering. General consensus: Tell the truth.)

2. My family's going to kill me.

Answers: Yeah, probably. But don't worry about that until you're done writing.

3. Here's my entire life story, not that you asked.

Answers: All right, then.

Saturday 4pm Master Class with Sharon Mesmer

"When Words Won't Come: Generating New Work When You Think You Can't." Excellent. I really need this one. I pull up a student desk and get out my notebook. Sharon, who I used to know back in the Nuyorican days, and who is now associated with the Flarfists, says that block is often a result of "being too invested in your own ideas, clinging to familiar themes, characters, your own 'voice.'" To get us out of our own heads, she has us do surrealist exercises -- working with random phrases, rearranging cut-up strips of words. I wind up with two really dark existentialist pieces about death. Hello, third book!

More posting for dollars

While I'm shilling for causes close to my heart, let me mention again that the eBay auction to benefit the survivors of the gang rape and torture at the Dunbar Village homes in West Palm Beach ends Sunday. There's still time to bid on signed books, personalized critiques of your writing from authors in every genre, and more. The critiques are a great way to help your writing while helping others, and earning my undying gratitude. Win-win-win!

It's hard out there.

Last night, I went to a benefit for GEMS, an organization that helps girls who have been victims of commercial sexual exploitation. The benefit included a screening of the Showtime documentary Very Young Girls, a film that chronicles the struggles of some of the girls served by GEMS as they try to leave the sex trade, with varying degrees of success. It starts with the sobering statistic, brought to us by the US Department of Justice, that the average age of entry into prostitution in the US is thirteen.

Thirteen.

Our first subject, a straight-A student throughout junior high school, was twelve years old when she was walking down the street and found herself followed by a man in a car. The man told her she was beautiful, convinced her to get in his car, then took her to a hotel and had sex with her. After two weeks of "honeymoon," she says, where she repeatedly had sex with this thirty-five-year-old man who was promising to marry her, he insisted that she start prostituting herself to prove her love and loyalty to him. Which she did, for years, and when she tried to escape him, she was beaten and raped.

You could kind of hear people in the audience trying to tamp down their reactions -- clearing their throats quietly, breathing hard through their noses -- trying to be cool, trying to pretend that we all know this stuff happens, this isn't shocking to us, we're not that naive. And we're all looking at her baby face, at all of the girls' baby faces as they tell their stories, and we're dying.

It was when the footage of the pimps came on screen that the real out-loud reactions started. Home video footage of these two guys rolling around in a car, talking to the young girls with blurred faces they'd hailed over to their rolled-down window. A girl gets sweet-talked into the car; soon, she is sweet-talked into turning a trick. When she gets back in the car, the blur slips to the lower half of her face so we can see the devastation in her eyes. What's wrong, the pimps chide her, and tears roll down her face. Nothin', she says; I just never did nothin' like that before.

The pimps, we learn, filmed their encounters with this girl and others over the course of a few weeks; they were hoping to make a reality show about their lives. We see the girl again and again; see her threatened with two fingers to her temple (this is what happens if you try to leave); see her slapped by another girl at the pimps' behest (again, harder, now on the other side, even it out); see her respond to their prompts (what you gotta do to make Daddy love you again -- make money, that's right). This is when I started to hear it, the tight hiss of held breath escaping in disgust from between clenched teeth. From me, and everyone around me.

About sixty or seventy minutes into it, we see GEMS founder Rachel Lloyd, who started the organization out of her apartment ten years ago and has grown it into a full shelter serving more than 200 girls a year, who we've watched throughout the film as she leads therapy groups, motivating and protecting her young charges, even flying to Miami to negotiate with a girl who left GEMS to get back with her pimp (and how we collectively sighed with audible, premature relief when the girl took that plane ticket) -- Rachel has just been awarded the 2005 Reebok Human Rights Award. She's on stage, in front of a cheering crowd, reminding them that the Oscar for Best Song has just gone to a song called "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp."

She spits the word pimp, and I want to spit with her. These disgusting child rapists, these adults who sell children to other adults -- "It's not hard out there for a pimp," she thunders, thumping the podium. "It's hard out there for a thirteen-year-old girl who has been the victim of sexual exploitation!"

And we all go nuts. Cheering, clapping, and letting those sobs we've been choking back escape in big gulping gasps. Rachel Lloyd. Thank fucking god.

The movie ends with a round up of Where The Girls Are Now. Some of them are all right. Some of them are not. Some of them are with us in the audience tonight, and they join Rachel and the film's directors on stage for a Q&A.

During the Q&A, someone asks about some of the scenes from the film, where fourteen and fifteen-year-old girls are sentenced to juvenile detention for the crime of prostitution, though they are not old enough to legally consent to sex (the adult johns who've paid for sex with these children, meanwhile, are slapped on the wrist, released, and given the opportunity to clear their records after six months). What kind of legislation should we be supporting to stop judges and prosecutors from punishing the victims of these crimes?

Damn if she didn't take the words out of my mouth. Turns out it's called the Safe Harbor Act, and it's been stalled in the New York State Legislature, which, until recently, was headed by former New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer. Who was removed from office for having sex with prostitutes.

Another question comes from a beautifully groomed woman with white hair. She wants to know about the feasibility of establishing a safe house upstate for the GEMS girls, a house that's further away from the pimps who seek to lure them back to the strolls just a subway ride away. How much money do you need, she asks. And damn if I wasn't about to ask that same thing, too.

Short answer: Whadda you got? They can use it. Got money? Great. Got time to devote to the cause? Great. Got some clothes you want to donate; maybe you want to give a computer? They'll take it. But what's most important, says Rachel, is that you give your awareness; that you share what you learned from the film and the brave girls who were its subjects with everyone you know. That when someone talks about how glamorous the sex industry can be, or how the girls are asking for it, or how men have needs and it's always been this way and we should just legalize it already because what's the harm, that you stop and put them in touch with the reality of it.

So I wrote my check, and I'm putting together a clothing drive, and I'm writing this post right now. And I swear to god, the next person who uses the word pimp in a facetious manner is going to get an earful from me. Pimp is not funny. It's not cute. It doesn't mean to promote in a beneficial way, or to make something better and shinier, like it does on MTV. It means to sexually and emotionally abuse people, mostly children.

It's hard out there tonight for girls just a few blocks from my house. Ninth Avenue. Hunts Point. Bedford-Stuyvesant. It's hard, even for the ones who got out of the life, the ones who are at GEMS right now, sitting in therapy group with Rachel, talking about how they still sometimes miss the men who turned them out. If you can do anything to make it easier, I urge you to contribute what you can to GEMS.

And if you can kick a pimp or a john in the balls, so much the better.

Pontificating times three

Longtime reader and recent delurker Luisa emailed me with three questions, which I’ll summarize here:

1. If I write my story, it may be painful for people I care about, which makes me feel guilty. Should I go ahead and do it anyway? How do I deal with this, practically and emotionally?

Luisa, this is another big issue that comes up frequently with writing memoir. Should you write your story, even if it might be painful to others to read? I think you should. If you feel compelled to write your story, you will not be satisfied until you do so. And anybody who returns your love and caring will want you to have the catharsis and satisfaction of writing down what happened to you, and what you did about it. As you said in your email, your life story belongs to you. And the events happened as they did whether you write about them or not; there’s no taking them back or changing them now. You can pretend they didn’t happen, for the sake of other people, but they did happen, and you remember them, and now they want to come out of you. So it’s time they did.

There may even be ways to make it less painful for those you want to protect. One way is to shield them from what you’re writing by not sharing it with them. I usually recommend that writers don’t share their first drafts with anyone except people who are explicitly helping them write. This includes teachers, classes, mentors, and writing groups; this does not include family, friends, or anyone who may be mentioned in or affected by the material. First drafts are precious and fragile, as are the people who write them, so protect your first draft and yourself and your loved ones by not sharing it with them.

Once you’ve gotten through a first draft, you can then go back to the material and see if you want to edit out parts that might be especially upsetting to people you care about. There are many things I left out of Girlbomb, because I thought they’d be upsetting to others, or a violation of their privacy. Then there’s stuff that was upsetting that I left in. But you have to write it first for yourself, and then worry about others.

Other ways to protect people you care about: Leave them out of the story, to the extent you’re able to; change their names and identifying characteristics; call the thing fiction. The author Stephen Elliott also had this advice: “Make them physically beautiful in your story – if you do that, they’ll probably forgive anything else you wrote about them.”

But in all honesty, people may be hurt by what you write. It happens. And it sucks. It sucks for them, and it sucks for you. But please don’t let that stop you from writing down your story. It’s important that you do so, especially if there is pain, shame, guilt, and other negative emotion attached to it. Write it for yourself, and worry about others later. Just write.

2. As a speaker of both Spanish and English, in a country where many people speak French, finding my voice is a challenge. What language should I write in?

Your “voice” has little to do with what language you write in, and lots to do with word choice, sentence length, rhythm, and the level of formality or intimacy with which you address the reader. Books are often translated from one language to another, but the sense of the writer’s voice and the meaning of the writer’s words remain the same – when people translate Kerouac, they retain his sentence structure, his slang, and his poetic style, no matter what the language. Nobody’s making Kerouac sound like Nabokov, or vice versa. So I think you should write in whatever language is most comfortable for you, in the voice you’d use to talk to a trusted friend, and if it needs translation into another language for purposes of sharing it with others, you can either translate it yourself when the project is finished, or find native speakers of whichever language you’ve chosen to be your support group.

3. I feel guilty about writing when there’s stuff that needs to be done around the house. After all, I’m not a “real” writer with deadlines, so how do I justify the time I spend?

Luisa, do you ever watch TV? Read books? Take long baths? Do anything “unproductive”? Well, then you can certainly take the time to write, which is totally productive, even if you don’t have deadlines or publication credits. It produces a happier you, and that’s all the productivity you need. So get to it!

Available now!

Girlbomb