So, quickly, so much

I am typing this with my own actual hands right now, which is so fucking stupid, because they still hurt like hell, but the voice recognition software sucks, and I can't stand not writing. Talking's not the same; then I have to hear the words as they're coming out, and I have time to judge them before they even hit the page. With writing they have at least a shot of making it out there before I take them back.

So, quickly, so much:

1. Oil spill! I posted on Facebook three days after the event, "I am sick to my stomach over this oil spill." TWO AND A HALF MONTHS LATER! So sick! I swore to myself that I was going to keep the horror and outrage foremost in my mind, and to never forget my complicity in the destruction being wrought, and to be in a constant state of mourning until the thing was capped. And yet, here I am, burning oil to tell you all about my feeeeeeelings! 

So here's what I have done/am doing/will do:

Stop eating fish. Ovo-lacto pescetarianism is no longer good enough, and I've known this for a while. 
Completely cut out bottled water. I've gotten in the habit of carrying my own tap water with me, but sometimes I'm caught without, and will buy bottled. No more. NB: I've noticed that take-out places are getting a lot better about giving you tap water if you ask for it with your meal.
Looked at the mutual funds in my IRA, saw what they were comprised of, and divested in everything related to oil.
Uh, pledged to stop wasting shit and consuming as much as I do. So instead of sitting here burning fuel while I think of more stuff, I'll jump ahead to: 

2. My hands still hurt. I'm seeing doctors and getting advice, so I hope this will end soon. One thing I've had to do is stop sleeping with my face on my hands, which I've done all my life. Even waking, I am almost always resting my face in at least one hand, if not both. It's a relic of my thumbsucking years, the way even now I pause while writing and press one knuckle against my upper lip. I quit that fifteen years ago, now I have to quit face fondling. As long as I don't have to quit writing. That's my biggest fear, that I'll never type or write longhand without pain again, which seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy, doesn't it? I'm half convinced this is psychosomatic anyway, that it came from writing a really painful book about my mother for which I feel profoundly guilty. Maybe my hands are trying to save me some other kind of pain. I don't know. It's hard to sleep on my back, not curled up with my hands against my cheek, the soothing press of my own flesh saying I'm here, I'm still here. It's hard, not being able to write or to type, I'm here, I'm still here.

3. New website coming soon! Girlbomb is becoming a group blog, featuring the voices of people like you, if you're reading this -- you can email us at janice dot erlbaum at gmail for more information. And by "us" I mean me and the junior editor who'll be helping me run things around here, America's Next Top Girlbomb, Melissa Saunders. Welcome, Meeblez!

That's not nearly it, but I was an idiot for typing this long, and I'm going to pay for it. But it felt so gooooood...

Comments

[Satia]

Yay on the whole new blog thing, etc. Boo on the ongoing pain. You know, I remember a woman saying something about her cancers being the result of some latent Catholic guilt so she ended up losing all of her sexual bits and pieces to cancer.

Are you sure you aren't Catholic?

[Stana]

Hurts so good eh? I love to read what you write but hate the thought of you in physical pain dear.

I also sleep on my hands & touch my face all the time. Waking up with numbness & tingling throughout my arms & hands sucks but I just can't help myself. I can't sleep on my back... side only... often waking on stomach though that doesn't happen much these days since there's 3 of us in the bed.

Anyhoo... I think the changes you've made are great. Keep it up. And call me... I can massage your hands & give you stretching & exercise ideas that just might help.

@Satia... you know Jews do the guilt thing VERY well.

[Satia]

@Stana In my family the joke is that we get it coming and going because the Jews give guilt and the Catholics carry it. (It's a lot funnier if you know the family. Trust me. I'm personally surrounded and am beginning to think I should just declare myself an atheist rather than pick sides.)

[Stana]

@Satia ~ It's funny weather you know 'em or not. And I'd say don't pick a side... how about a back or a belly? Guilt sucks! And not in a good way ;^)

[Janice]

Stana, I can't wait to come see you next week, and to meet Devin. Devine!

And Satia, I can't possibly imagine who -- I mean, what -- you could mean by that joke!

[Melissa Saunders]

I'm pleased as punch to be contributing to the fortcoming Girlbomb site. And, Janice, get well soon. I'll be sending you a Hallmark Mahogany card soonly.

[Katy]

Wow! Great changes, and good for you for being an active citizen and making lifestyle changes to help to change the world. That's more than a lot of people do. You're an inspiration to me!

[Kirsten]

I do that too -- the sleeping on my hands thing. Everyone makes fun of me for it. I sleep with hands curled up under my chin, just under my cheek, like an infant. I also sleep with my body in the fetal position. All in all, it's a pretty pathetic sight for a grown-ass woman.

More importantly, I am sorry you are still feeling such pain in your hands. I wish I had a solution for you. As a Lupus/CREST/Interstitial fibrosis bitch, I have no cures to recommend, but I would like to offer the following subtle observation about the emergence of said pain, the timing of which is a tad suspect, mother-pain theory not withstanding...

Um, if you look back, the aches seem to have appeared suspiciously close in time to the cut-back of a certain organic (medical, in some states) substance relationship. Ironically, said substance is recommended to treat said pain. [shrug]