...starts hugging and making out w/me, then we go to bed, feeling and kissing and touching and then he says he's not sure what it is but something's changed, and he doesn't want to make love to me the way he did, and I try to be patient for about, oh, 5 full minutes, then I hop off the bed and say you know what? You're not ready for this. This is a responsibility you can't handle. You're so trapped in your act and your fears, and I told him this is a power play, this stinks of the time
you said you couldn't see me because you have a date, my teeth were chattering, and I was afraid and mad, and I told him so, I said if after all the fucking let's get it on of the last 2 months you're going to tell me you want to be my friend I am going to be disappointed and annoyed. It's always some redemption drama/catharsis scene, how much enough can it possible suffer? So then he starts leaking tears, not crying, just sort of nonchalantly rolling out of his eyes and down his face, and he says he doesn't have to go away to figure out what he wants, and since I can't paraphrase his meaning, I'll quote, he wants "my clarity, my vision, my level of awareness, my attention," and he's afraid he doesn't have it. So then I comforted him, we finished cooking, ate, and went to bed, which was pretty gratifying all around, then I came home and I was wired so I called Kim and smoked a bunch, didn't read or anything instead.