Dear "books on how to not kill yourself"

How are you? I'm sincerely asking, because I'm hoping you're okay, but I have to say, I'm a little worried. You must have been awfully disappointed when you found my site through your Google search -- this probably isn't exactly a book on how to not kill yourself -- this is probably more like a book on how to torture yourself mentally while not killing yourself or even anybody else, no matter how badly the urge might strike sometimes. So, my apologies. Also, my sympathies. I have been there, I have Googled "bitter misanthropist," I have Googled "I hate men," I have Googled "truckload of Canadian valium." And I have never yet come up with a book on how to not kill yourself.

I would like to write that book, though -- I think it's an excellent idea. It's probably the book most worth writing in the world. Part One could be called Why Not to Kill Yourself, and it would be full of exceptionally good, rational reasons to love the world and feel loved in return, reasons that make all kinds of holistic sense out of our fragmented reality. Reading it would be like being visited by the numinous, touched on the shoulder by the author as you're reading it, filling you with a profound sense of comfort and peace -- This person knows how I feel, and cares, and is explaining why it's okay.

Then Part Two could be, I don't know, strategies for not killing yourself. Like...stuff you could do instead. Like for instance find people to trust and talk to, or get away from the crazy people. Or forgive yourself. But said really eloquently and convincingly. This is the hard part, the long-term strategies -- I'd probably be better at the short-term ones, like, Get up and go to the movies immediately, or Cry it out, or Stare at an animal until you feel better. If those even work for anyone.

Then you could have a whole Part Three about people who didn't kill themselves and are really happy about it. I could write this part no problem. It's basically, "I used to want to kill myself, hoo boy, and now I don't." Which is true -- once I even stuck my head in the oven, but I didn't have the guts to blow out the pilot light, so I just sat there baking my head for ten minutes, dripping with self-loathing. Now I'm glad I didn't blow out the light.

Then I guess you could also include a list of implements to not kill yourself with:

Hammer
Hamburger
Hamburgler
Candlestick in the library
Drain cleaner
Entropy

Etc.

You know, the more I think about it, the more grateful I am to you, desperate Googler, for suggesting such a life-changing project, for giving me the plot of nothing less than the greatest book ever. I'll get cracking on it right away: HOW TO NOT KILL YOURSELF. It's dedicated to you.

Comments

[Éireann]

I would buy that book.

[Ibibenibi]

Long term includes realizing you're all you have, and you might as well have fun with it. I wonder if I've put off learning how to juggle just so in those desperate moments I have something goofy to live for. I want to learn how to whistle, too.

If I write the second part, can I call it Lifelong Masturbation = Better than Dead?

[Jennifer Glick]

How not to kill yourself:

1. Let go of planning. A lot of suicides could be prevented by not spending so much time figuring out how to accomplish them. Go free form, you're less likely to carry it out if you don't have a location or method.

2. Get something to eat, but make sure it's tatsty. You'll have fulfilled one desire which might distract you from another. Suicide is much more likely to follow a meal at McDonalds than a cream puff at Beard Papa.

3. Watch Heathers. Not that I was feeling suicidal last night but it was nice to know that Mean Girls wasn't the first to tackle teen girl angst in a palatable way. If you watch Heathers you definitely learn that suicide is nothing new under the sun. It's kind of tired, bulimia. Also, Christian Slater, though his character was a fascist, was smokin' hot in that film.

[Virginia]

Wait, you can see the google search that led someone to your blog? Can you splain that?

[girlbomb]

With most blogs, you can track how many page views you get, and what searches people have used to get to your site. You can't see WHO searched for "porter rican asses," but you can see that SOMEBODY did at 5:18 in the morning, and landed on your page.

Some of my top referrals are TARcon, pee pants, Deadwood slash, Jake Gyllenhall naked, and "my daughter fucking a niger." I wish I was kidding.

[Anne E]

One of the more interesting search strings I've seen...hope he/she made it through the night.

Here are some good ones I got recently:
"words that come after snow"
"do cats hump blankets"
"fattest ass ever"
"prison gang"

[Melinder]

Does this book count?
http://www.howistayedalive.com/

[mir]

I am listening to "owner of a lonely heart" over here.

I would add;

"listen to incredibly sad songs until your keyboard is floating in a puddle of salty tears, and then put on your cocaine sandwich mix (journey,neil young, yes, zeppelin, the ramones,sleater kinney etc..) and punch the air until whtaver you wanted to kill yourself about is swallowed up by rock and roll.

Careful, that particular rolloercoaster of emotion can get addictive..

xoxoxox I heart girlbomb

[girlbomb]

Mir, I just checked out your picture on blogher. Could you BE any cuter? Tin Tin has nothing on you.

[mir]

I am a hit with all the ladies.

{{blushing}}

ps; I went to see a band called metallion last night. I think you would have approved.

[Abie Silva]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this but...I have to hurry up and start typing before I forget what I want to say. I found out about you while researching Sylvia Plath; Amazon is offering your book and her unabridged journal together. I must say that I am glad that I did found you. I know so many girls that have gone through what you did. Some of which were girlfriends. I love your site and I'm buying your book today when I get out of work; If I order it through amazon it'll be to long before I get it. One more thing before I bid you a dew (LOL), do you ever feel like it's easier to think about what you want to write than actully writing it down. I usually get frustrated at how long it's taking to get my thoughts down that I end up scrapping the whole thing. It took me almost a hour to actually start typing this. I really wanted to say something to you. If it were not for that, I probably would have spent the rest of the day in regret. Thanks again. And please keep writing.

[Anne]

Came across your blog when searching for stuff on "Tell them who I am" by Elliot Liebow which I am currently reading - and 'enjoying' - hardly the best word for it. Glad I found it. Then I found this entry, so I thought I would recommend "Hello, Cruel World" by Kate Bornstein - http://www.hellocruelworld.net/ I think you'd like it. Now I need to get hold of Girlbomb :D I think the negative review on Amazon from someone who liked A Child Named It decided me!

[Santanna]

Thanx 4 trying to help. lately i have been very depressed and my mom has brought me to the hospital for suicidal threats and now she hates me because she thinks i am not good enough 4 her and my straight A sisters. i think ur really awsome 4 caring about other people.

[mac]

I'm sorry, but this goes way past teen angst. If you feel it now IMHO and experience...you will continue to feel it despite having gadgets and dollars.

And there is never enough people to really connect to.

i have adhd and i really dont know how to control it sometimes i get mad at my girlfriend eventhough i dont meen it and i just feel like killing myself and it makes me uncomfortable whith the fact that i havent solved this feeling and that i am soon to be maried to someone whith this problem i just wanna know how not to hurt my girlfriend and all the problems i've listed above.

[lotro gold]

I'm sorry, but this goes way past teen angst. If you feel it now IMHO and experience...you will continue to feel it despite having gadgets and dollars.

And there is never enough people to really connect to.

[Lulu]

Please do write this book! I would certainly read it.

For Part Two, I like to imagine traveling to far away places. I use the internet and look at images of Polynesia, Jamaica, southern England, Ireland. I imagine standing there and meeting new people and experiencing new things.