Yesterday I got up early and went out to Williamsburg to speak at the public high school where an old friend of mine now teaches. Funny, that he's teaching now -- he had little love for high school when we were there together -- and yet I could tell right away how great he is for the job, how calm and at peace he seems to be in the face of all that high-strung teenage anxiety, what an aura of sensitivity and care he brings to his classes. "Mr. D.," the kids said casually as he passed, noting him without noting it. Naming him, like a reliable feature of the landscape: rock, stream, Mr. D. This is the boy I used to cut school with in various parks; the one who I saw staring one day through the glass window of my classroom door, saw from my desk inside the room how blank and sad his face was, and then watched disappear. Two minutes later, the fire bell rang. Not a prank; more an emergency nobody else could see.
Walking into his school, there's a smell I can't identify -- it's the smell of high school, I guess. Endocrines and construction paper. A kind of kinetic warmth that drifts and bounces through the halls. I have to go through a metal detector, and my bag is laid on a conveyor to be scanned. The building is old, with thick wooden doors bearing plaques that say DRESSMAKING and MECHANICS; the wood, too, has an old, warm smell. There aren't many kids in the halls before first period.
There aren't many kids there at first period, either. I sit and talk with my old friend as we wait for his students to arrive; when they do start to trickle in, they are more interested in discussing the continuing dominance of the girls' softball team, which apparently kicks ass all over town. But finally, we begin -- I am introduced to the six assembled girls and the one boy in the back of the room with his head down on his desk as "the author we were reading yesterday."
Mr. D. and his class have read the first chapter of the book together, and the class has come up with a number of questions for me.
Why did your mother keep getting back together with Dave?
What was it like at the shelter?
How did you finish school?
Why did my mother keep getting back together with Dave?
"I don't know," I confess. "I think part of her was afraid of him. Part of it maybe was she didn't want to admit to herself that she'd made a mistake with him. You know, they had a baby together, too, which can make it really hard for women to leave a relationship. And part of her staying probably had to do with her own upbringing. Now that I'm the age she was in the book, I understand her a lot better, and I feel a lot of sympathy for her."
What was it like at the shelter?
"It was better than living at home. And it was better than living on the street. It was strict, and it smelled weird, and everybody was crazy, and the food wasn't great, but they gave me a place to stay, and they gave me food and clothes, and they took care of me, you know? They found me a place in a group home; they made sure I had a place to live, not just while I was there, but after I left. That place saved me from having to live on the street, so I didn't care about the powdered mashed potatoes -- nothing was more important than having a roof over my head."
How did you finish school?
"Because I had teachers who cared about me, and tried to help. And you do, too. You guys might think people here don't see you, or they don't know your name, or they don't think about you when they go home at night, but they do. I know, because I'm a volunteer at the shelter where I used to live. And girls I barely see or talk to, if I don't see them the next week, I'm asking the counselors, 'Where's Afreeka? Where's Lizette? Where's Qu'enisha?' They might not know that I'm thinking about them, that I care about them, but I do. And my teachers cared about me. Without my drama teacher, I might have quit school. And my art teacher always looked out for me, too. So I had a lot of help from adults when I was in school, even if I didn't recognize it at the time."
There's a break between Mr. D.'s two English classes, so we go get coffee cake, sit in a nearby park, catch up. So the last twenty years, let's see...college, and poetry, and grad school, and writing. That dotcom place, where we bumped into each other back in '97. A bunch of shitty relationships, mostly menial jobs. Therapy -- lots of therapy. Then Bill and the book. That took twenty years? He's got his own story, not mine to tell, which ends with a wife and a beautiful baby and a teaching degree. I am happy, talking to him; I feel closer and more relaxed with him than I think I ever was in high school. I am happy for both of us, on this beautiful warm Friday morning; we made it, we're okay.
Then we talk about who we've heard from. He tells me Gorgeous Ted has put on weight, lost hair. An ex of mine lives in St. Louis. I haven't heard from most of the people in the book, I tell him. Not yet, anyway.
We go back inside for fourth period, which is the reverse of first -- six boys, and one girl in the back with her coat over her head. They too have read Chapter One of Girlbomb: A Halfway Homeless Memoir, and they have some questions of their own, many of which match the questions I answered in first period. So I go over the answers again:
My mom was having a tough time of her own.
The shelter sucked, but it was way better than the alternatives.
Some teachers care about you more than you think.
A tall boy in a headband raises his hand. "Do you think you could ever forgive your stepfather?" And we talk about forgiveness and accountability. Another boy raises his hand. "How much money did you get for your book?" And we discuss how publishing works, and advances and royalties. The second boy raises his hand again. "Did you and Mr. D. go out in high school?"
"Yeah, for a few weeks," I say, and Mr. D. dips his head and smiles. Oh. I guess he didn't tell them that part. "Mostly, though, we were friends."
It's an exhilarating morning; I feel challenged in the best possible way by these kids, with their prolonged eye contact, their passion to be heard -- "If that was my stepfather, I'd have whupped his ass!" Did I teach them anything today, besides the address of Covenant House NY ("It's right there on Forty-First Street and Tenth Avenue in Manhattan," I repeated again and again. "If you or anybody you know ever needs it, it's there for you, twenty-four hours a day. Forty-First and Tenth. Forty-First and Tenth.")? Did I improve their English? Mr. D. seems to feel the classes went well. We embrace, and promise to do this again soon.
As I'm leaving, I see a couple of the boys from fourth period standing in the sunshine on the corner, newly liberated from school, debating which way to go. Just then a police car pulls up, and two cops get out, start walking towards the group.
Bye, I wave, though they don't see me.
Let's do this again soon.
The impressionable yoots of America could use a little more of this.
Posted by: Bill Scurry | Apr 02, 2006 at 12:48 PM
Aw gee baby, sometimes life is beautiful, ain't it?
Posted by: Jennifer Glick | Apr 02, 2006 at 11:51 PM
Hi Janice...it's Denise Vasquez from Highschool...congratulations on your book? I can't wait to read it! It's amazing to know now that you were going through some shit in highschool...I was too, so I suppose I couldn't see what you were really going through. Man, I so agree with you...if it weren't for certain teachers, I would have dropped out as well...they saved my spirit!!! It was difficult I'm sure to go through what you did, but I truly believe our experiences lead us to our purpose in life...I can only speak for myself of course, but I know that when I was going through my shit for years, I couldn't understand why...now looking back, it all makes sense...I have learned to forgive the ones that hurt me in some way, I had to in order to let go and move on with my life, but I will never forget. Do you feel that way? I wrote songs on my first album like "Leave It All Behind", "Fighting Darkenss", "Back On Track" to help me and others like me...I now consider myself an "Artist With A Cause"...I feel that all the shit I went through had some part in me becoming the woman I am today...I'm happy now...I'm living in Los Angeles as a singer/songwriter/guitarist...please keep in touch...would love to talk to you more...
Peace & Joy
Denise Vasquez
Class of 86
[URL=http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f67/niecierocks/RelayForLife3.jpg][IMG]http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f67/niecierocks/th_RelayForLife3.jpg[/IMG][/URL]
Posted by: Denise Vasquez | Apr 06, 2006 at 05:21 PM
Hi Janice...just ordered "GirlBomb" on Amazon..can't wait to read it!
Peace & Joy
Denise Vasquez
Class of 86
Posted by: Denise Vasquez | Apr 06, 2006 at 05:32 PM
DENISE! I looked at your MySpace page, and you look GORGEOUS! I mean, as gorgeous as ever, but maybe even more so! And I'm listening to your songs right now -- so beautiful! And so great to reconnect with you. :)
Posted by: girlbomb | Apr 06, 2006 at 05:34 PM
Hey there, I must say that I really loved your book. It reminded me a little bit of my own youth but mostly of a particular friend that I know. Cheers for Girlbomb!
Well, I have some questions of my own:
-What happened to Hope and Alice?
Posted by: Jason K. | Apr 09, 2006 at 06:49 PM
yeah, i've always wondered what happened to hope & alice!
Posted by: charlotte | Apr 25, 2007 at 08:47 PM
more like what ever happened with sebastian? he seemed like the most lovable and caring person. hopefully hes doing as great as you are.
Posted by: megan hersey | Jun 18, 2008 at 03:35 AM
Megan
Since Janice is out of town, I figured I would share this link:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=175508840
Enjoy!
Posted by: satia | Jun 19, 2008 at 12:11 AM
I just finished the book and couldn't have loved it more. I am dying to know, though - did people you wrote about get back in touch with you after its release? Alice, Hope, Leland - they're all so richly drawn, and I imagine some of them must have read the book and taken issue, or felt the need to "set things straight" (as people always seem to feel the need to do). Do you address this anywhere in your blog? Cheers, and can't wait to read _Have You Seen Her?_!
Posted by: Kate Stiteler | Jun 23, 2008 at 10:09 AM
Hey Janice,
I just finish reading Girl Bomb, what an amazing book.
I recommended it yo all my friends.
Can't wait to read "Have you seen her?" !
I always wondered if you ever taked to those people in the book.
Well, hope you're doing good
Flavia
Posted by: Flavia Oliveira | Jan 08, 2009 at 08:12 PM
Hello Janice :),
I happened to get your book "Have You Found Her" by chance. My friend Zach found it at the school library and gave it to me. I read it in two days! Its really amazing. To the point I have a friend that reminds me of Sam not as far gone but getting there. I really dont know how to handle it. I threw myself into the friendship trying to find someone to hold onto after my mom died of cancer back in July. She was amazing at first then it sort of starting getting worse she would randomly pass out in the middle of the road during the winter time and I would have to pull her to the side. That among other things I dont know what to believe. I really dont know how to handle this any advise?
Posted by: Felicia | Mar 30, 2009 at 06:07 PM
Felicia, trust your gut! It sounds like you know exactly what's going on, and you're aware of your own motives too, which is great. I advise avoiding her, if you can do so without feeling too guilty. Does this sound like mean advice? I hope not. But if somebody reminded me of Sam, I would avoid them. I hope it will work out well for you, and that you'll find lots of genuine, positive people to hang out with.
Posted by: Janice | Mar 30, 2009 at 06:18 PM
No its not mean advise I understand. Its just going to be hard...thanks for taking the time out of your day to help :)
Posted by: Felicia | Mar 31, 2009 at 03:50 PM
Hey Janice!
I decided to do a biography on you for my middle school project this year. My class mates where all very surprised by your story. But I have two questions that i didnt get answered. When were you born and what do you want people remember about you in one hundered years? if you could answer these questions it would be very much appreciated!! Thanks! Lindsey From Tyngsborough Middle School!!!<33
Posted by: Lindsey | May 10, 2009 at 11:38 AM
Hi Lindsey! I am very happy and honored that you are doing your project about me! I was born in 1969, which makes me 39 years old -- here is some more biographical information about me:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Janice_erlbaum
If people remember me at all in 100 years, I hope it's because I've done something very helpful for others, whether that's writing more books or doing work with a philanthropy like GEMS (http://gems-girls.org). I would like to be remembered as someone who made the world a better place. But I'm still working on that! :)
Posted by: Janice | May 10, 2009 at 02:48 PM
Hello there Janice!
I read Girlbomb this past week and I absolutely loved it. It was just like reading a diary; I felt like I was there with you through it all. Just wondering, what ever happened to Alice and Hope and the Boyses? Did you ever reconnect with them again? I'm dying to know :]
Posted by: Ayesha | Oct 22, 2009 at 07:05 PM
Ayesha, thanks for reading the book and leaving a comment! Since the advent of Facebook, I have connected with most of the "characters" in my book -- some of them are friends; others are (understandably) angry about what I wrote, so we are not friends. But everyone is alive and well; almost all of them have kids and careers and...normal lives. Weird, huh? :)
Posted by: Janice | Oct 24, 2009 at 11:22 PM
Hi Janice,
I loved your book, "Girlbomb". I'm really curious about what happened to the main characters (Sam, Leland, Hope and Alice). Do you keep in touch with them and did they give you any crap about this book? Its nice to see that you have done so well, considering your circumstances.....I can relate, I think I wouldve went to a shelter if I knew I could during my teenage years. But in the end, I made it through.
Ree
Queens, NY
Posted by: Ree | Nov 12, 2009 at 10:43 AM
I read the author's note in Girl bomb and as you know it said, "I had to leave a lot of the good stuff out." I know this is nosy but why?
Posted by: Brook | Dec 05, 2009 at 09:30 PM
Dear Janice
I loved ur book its inspired me to write my own memior but dont know how can u help thx.
Posted by: Heather Malo | Jun 02, 2010 at 07:18 PM
I read the author's note in Girl bomb and as you know it said, "I had to leave a lot of the good stuff out." I know this is nosy but why?
Posted by: knight gold | Jun 19, 2010 at 05:05 AM