Writing in my notebook while trying to write

Thurs. 5/29, 11:30, Paragraph

Here! And no appointments today, no people, just working, hooray. J. blew off lunch on Tuesday, which was fine; went to Judith yesterday and talked about all the lousy relationships I'm still in. Was in a shit mood because I had to pay Oakwood and my AmEx is no good right now and it was stressful. Didn't write last night, just made dinner and watched a movie, went to bed. Still arguing with M. in my head. Never should have reached out to him in the first place. God, even writing in my notebook feels so hard, feels like I haven't done it in a week. And this haircut is the bane of my existence. Anyway, now that I'm here and sworn to being productive I don't want to be, I want to blow it off and go buy sunglasses, blunt myself, kill time. Have to call B. at lunch. Everyone's a pain in the ass. I'm done with people. I'm the cat that hated people. I'd like to come up with a blog post today, I'd like to start the travel piece. I should try writing about what an asshole I am instead of always writing about what assholes people are to me. I'm angry but I don't want to post about it. Anyway, let me get back to the Danielle piece.

12:50 Two pages! Now I can get some lunch, then pick it up again, then maybe a blog post re: leave me alone? Hard to say. I'm not anti-social, I just don't want to deal with anybody. Fuck everyone, just fuck them. Go me.

1:45 Ughsters. Got some lunch, keeping at the Danielle thing, also checking email on my phone, which is deadly slow for some reason. And my neck and back hurt, and I feel like quitting. Have to sign the power of attorney form before we go away. Write to Gillian from On The Rise, a pile of other emails to respond to. But good. I feel good. I got some writing done, not that anything's "done," but something got worked on, and even if it goes nowhere, I got that feeling, I got into a voice, it's something I can say I'm working on, the Danielle piece. Now try to work on a blog post. About?

2:15 Holy crap. I can't write a fucking blog post to save my life.

2:50 Still nope. Just a bunch of angry shit about being abused by people. M., that pile of shit. You're a pile of shit.

3:10 STILL NOTHING. Because I am angry.

3:30 If I'm not going to write about M. and/or people blowing me off for lunch, then I need to pick another topic and go with it. Although maybe what I should do is go home. Almost 4 hours today, that's enough, right? Or I could write a post about being grateful.

3:45 I QUIT.

Comments

[satia]

I swear, I don't know if you'll ever appreciate how reassuring these posts of yours are.

[Kirsten]

Nodding at Satia... Yep, it IS reassuring ... I quit every GD day.

[Ash]

I just finished reading Have You Found Her a few weeks ago and ever since, I've been coming to your web site for some peace of mind from my own craziness. I hope you're not too discouraged, because both your book and your blog are really inspiring to me and you seem like a pretty cool lady. ...thanks! :)

[Janice]

Satia, Kirsten, Ash, thank you!

[Georgia]

I have been avoiding writing anything for about a week because I'm getting to the really hard part, the part where I was an asshole, the part where I can't justify my assholishness even by reminding myself that others were assholes to me, too, and it hurts and I still can't make any sense of it. But I second everything the others said. I almost always find it in me to write something after reading your blog, and today is no exception.

[Heather]

Well, I'm commenting...yes, after typing/deleting, typing/deleting...such a damn 'tard...just f'ing write something already. I've had a shit day, really, with the exception of these posts. I've read back over some funny shit from posts in '05. My favorite was your "recent crimes again esthetics" piece. I laughed so hard I have a tummy ache now. Why? Because I still own the highwater fleece sweatpants, and actually...I'm wearing them. Goddamn, I love these pants. Hope your days pick up Janice.

[Natalie]

Oh boy do I understand that kind of day. I've had them on repeat for a while. Fuck 'em all!