The worst blogger in the entire world

Want to hear my lame excuses for why I never update anymore?

1. "Writing about my personal life caused my window to fall open and smash on the floor during a blizzard."

Okay, none of us really believe this one, do we? I mean, it's a nice metaphor, but it's bullshit. The window blew open because it was unlocked. Writing about my personal life had nothing to do with it. If writing about my personal life caused household disasters, our entire building would be submerged in the Marianas Trench. And it would be on fire. And covered in bees. Cancer-causing bees. 

2. "I'm so busy! Uh, writing."

Well, this is kind of true. Lately, I’ve been working on a proposal for a technical book, a side project unrelated to my first two books, which I’d be writing under a pseudonym (Janice Scurry, maybe? Or…Janice Timberlake?); meanwhile, I continue to work on the incredibly painful and personal stuff I insist on writing and publishing under my own stupid name, because I never learn. I've also been volunteering again, serving on the Board of Directors for Girls Write Now, and lending a hand at GEMS (also helping to throw the GEMS tenth birthday party/reading on Friday, May 8 at 7pm at the Bowery Poetry Club – like how I worked that in there?). But I know plenty of people who are way busier than I am – with, like, day jobs and stuff – who manage to blog much more frequently than I do. These people are empirically better than me. 

3. I don’t have anything to write about.

Really? Nothing to write about? How about, you know, everything? How about the gift of life, in all of its miraculous complexity? How about social evils, and how they are bad? You know, I used to blog about feminist issues…until I got tired of having the same arguments again and again, and just decided to give up and agree that I am a feminist because I am an ugly frigid prude. (Side note: I read some reports from the SXSW conference, and it turns out that everyone on the feminist blogger panel has received death threats. Nice!) But I have not blogged about anything socially relevant in ages, which is unconscionable – I could have cured sexism by now, with the power of my blogging! But instead, I seem to write only about myself, and my upcoming readings (Sunday, April 5 at 4pm at Cakeshop – like how I worked that in there?).

Satia even wrote to me recently with a suggested topic, which had to do with giving and receiving feedback on writing, and how one can trust one’s own critical eye, not to mention others’, when tastes are so subjective. My answer: You kind of can’t, but you go with your gut anyway. Damn, I should have saved that for another post.

4. I am having an ongoing existential crisis, which manifests itself in a morbid preoccupation with death and suffering, feelings of hopelessness and meaninglessness, crippling anxiety, overbearing self-loathing, and persistent anomie (that is, “a feeling of disorientation and alienation from society caused by the perceived absence of a supporting social or moral framework”).

Awww, boo hoo! The world stinks, nature is indifferent, and I’m going to die, just like everybody else! And yet I still manage to vlog about American Idol. So it would seem that I could spare a few moments from obsessing over the unknowableness of the universe, and whether or not I should drop off the grid and start leading an ethically and ecologically sustainable life (quick answer: yes I should, and no I’m not going to) in order to update my fucking blog once every pink and purple moon.

5. I’m lazy.

Soooooo lazy. Is Idol on yet? I sure do like that Anoop Desai.

Comments

[Gennette]

Yeah me too.

[Anne]

You are fantastic. That's all.

[Georgia]

Yeah, I'd so much rather read about social evils and sustainable living than be wildly entertained by your vlogging...NOT!

[Danika]

Ok, you can use the pseudonym "Janice Timberlake" only until I'm ready to use it haha ;)But then again that will only happen "once in every pink and purple moon"...Thanks for being a horrible blogger!!

[Stana]

How dare you not blog more often?! I need to be amused.

[Ashley]

Janice Timberlake, eh? I agree with this wholeheartedly.

We should all drop off the grid and go 100% green but alas, there is America's Next Top Model to watch. I don't watch Idol, but I do watch ANTM, and then read the TVWoP recap to boot! As if I need to pour over the minutiae even more.

PS Do you watch Madmen? It rocks and will get your feminist juices boiling.

[Bill Scurry]

You could at least blame your anomie on the rigors of heteronormative marriage, at least.

[satia]

I think we should have a contest for worse blogger because I'm pretty sure you don't come close to my suckage.

At least you occasionally post something personal. I just post book reviews and such. I wrote a rant about vaginas but I haven't had the balls to post it.

[georgie girl]

aha, i DO feel better! after my month long blog block and suckage (would that be called bluckage?) and not even commenting on mary's blog, i am no longer alone.

i am lazy and watch ANTM as well. or maybe it's just an allergic reaction to the twitter phenomenon. twitter jitters create massive existential angst as to whether your own daily life makes a poo. "annoyed by all that twittering? neglect your blogging - that'll show 'em!" yeah, i'm going to let everyone as use that excuse whenever they need it.