Lately I've been taking a lot of comfort in the experiences of people who have been declared medically dead. The universal report: a white light, a whooshing tunnel, a feeling of immense peace and relief. The knowledge that all that you love remains intact and you will be reunited. A hallucination, one that some of us have come close to having while fully alive, usually after taking a ton of drugs.
Whether or not this ultimate fulfillment of our deepest wishes is just the effect of our neurotransmitters putting on one last show before they shut down, the fact that it's our mind's best possible show, and it comes on right when we need it most, makes me feel, frankly, a lot more optimistic about dying. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I would survive or not survive various deadly situations -- violence, natural disaster, plane crash -- I spend a lot of time bargaining with rapists in my head, picturing myself pinned beneath rubble or plummeting to my death. What do I want my loved ones to know? That I died happy, not terrified or in pain, that I loved them very much, that I knew at the end that it was all going to be all right. I had an endoscopy about two years ago, and when they put the anesthesia in the IV and I felt the heat of it hit my veins, I panicked, and said, "Tell my husband I love him." I lost consciousness to the sound of the nurse laughing.
When I was twenty, I was suddenly seized by the idea that everybody alive at that moment would be dead soon, all of us, everybody, none of us would survive, and I almost couldn't walk down the street without screaming, without exhorting my fellow humans to fight this thing. Now I feel like, you know what, in a zombie apocalypse, I'm not joining the scrappy band of survivors; I'm getting bit and getting it over with.
Would you believe that I just had that exact conversation with my wife last night? I'd much rather spend my last moments playing Mass Effect and drinking tequila than running through the streets, trying to hide from hordes of undead that want to eat my brains.
Posted by: courtney | May 30, 2010 at 07:19 PM
Yeah. Ever since someone pointed out that you see a white light when you faint too pretty much blew the whole near death experience for me. Maybe if I had never fainted. But I had. More than once. (You know, this actually reinforces the whole "I do not belong in this century" theory I've been pondering of late.)
And I'm with you--I've always wanted it to be over and done with quickly. I blame it all the post-apocalyptic literature I read when I was an adolescent. And George A Romero.
Posted by: Satia | May 31, 2010 at 07:09 AM
from george romero - not THAT one, but the bestgalpal of roseviolet - hehehehehe:
that moment when you realized everyone would die? i was twitching and screaming too... only out loud. yeesh. it's like the moment you realize what infinity really means and can't quite wrap your mind around it without needing to eat cookies. lots of cookies. reminds me of one of my favorite plays, thom pain. there is no raffle. :)
good to see you out in the bloggy woggy again.
Posted by: georgeious | May 31, 2010 at 11:59 AM
This happened to me once in a car accident. My reaction to the whole outside my body experience was more funny and cynical than soothing. I sat, looking at my body, mangled in the crash, one week before the end of term, and thought, "Heh, well, the upside is I won't have to take finals now."
But, I've also experienced the opposite end of the spectrum when I felt my body literally dying after a surgery gone very wrong. As organ after organ shut down, lying in intensive care, all around me in a quandary over how to stop it, the absolute hysteria, panic, dread, and terror was so all-encompassing that to this day, when I see a condemned person in a film, I feel so sick to my stomach and anxious with fear, I can not look. I keep telling myself it isn't real, but it takes everything in me to get through those scenes. I truly white-knuckle it through.
I can not tell you how horrifying "The Stoning of Soraya M." was for me. I still have nightmares about it constantly. Probably even more so because it was real.
Posted by: Kirsten | Jun 19, 2010 at 06:58 PM
Yeah... I'm not interested in living on the run from the zombies either. I am so happy to be enjoying your writing again dear!
Posted by: Stana | Jul 04, 2010 at 12:28 AM
I just want you to know that I check this blog obsessively every single time I log into my computer. I've read this post three times. I hope that you update soon! It would be like Christmas came early...
Posted by: Katy | Jul 14, 2010 at 01:56 PM
Katy, you may want to refresh next time you check the page. I think you're having a problem my computer has and your cache is pulling up a previous page without updating the content. A quick refresh should solve the problem.
I guess now I just have to hope you read the comments as diligently as you check the page. Everyone cross your fingers.
Posted by: Satia | Jul 14, 2010 at 08:06 PM