My mother looks like Sarah Palin

Or, my mother used to look like Sarah Palin, back when my mother was forty and thin. She had the cheekbones, the wide, slightly open-mouthed smile, the big eyes behind the big glasses, and especially the hairdo, the one she'd been wearing since the early seventies, after she cut her long, flat-ironed Crystal Gayle hair; a betrayal, somehow, at which I'd cried and cried. The hair then became a Jiffy Pop bouffant in the back, and two sculpted swoops in the front, framing her gorgeous face, and it stayed that way until the mid nineties, when she gave up. It took hours; she had to shower the night before and spend half an hour with her curlers and pins and setting spray to put it in place. Then she slept with this acrid wire cage on her head; then it was another half hour in the morning blow-drying it, unrolling it, fluffing it, spraying it with Aqua Net, always with the Merit 100 burning on the edge of the sink, threatening to incinerate the apartment. Sometimes women on the street would stop and ask her where she got her hair done, and she would brighten -- "I do it myself!" The color and everything. She had naturally dark auburn hair which she brightened with dye, sitting in front of her heat lamp with her cigarette, her hair slathered into a purplish, sideburned mohawk. The women who asked always had lipstick outside the borders of their lips.

My mother looks less like Sarah Palin these days, though she agrees with her one hundred percent. I get into my mother's car, on the way to take her to the neurologist, and her radio is tuned to right-wing talk. The host is talking about "Obama," and his eyes are rolling so hard it almost gets gutteral for a second, "Obghama." He's making fun of the "way...Obama...talks sometimes...," which, truly, can be ponderous, but oh my god are you fucking kidding me? After that moron Bush, who couldn't spit out two words without mangling them and draining them of meaning, you're complaining about how Obama talks? This is the reality in my mother's car: Left is right, up is down, good is bad, and we have always been at war with Oceania.

At the neurologist, the doctor has her say the date, the year, count backwards from 30, spell her last name, identify the president, and tell her something that's going on in the country right now. "Well," says my mother, confused by this last one, "Obama's ruining the country."

The doctor happens to agree. They both look sideways at me like they know I'm one of them. Enough said; my mother is lucid, if not sane. 

Later, she tries to drive the wrong way down a one-way street, gets lost driving in the town she's been living in for eighteen years. She hasn't cut her toenails in months; I saw them in the doctor's office, they're gray and yellow and fungal. She has twenty-four cats and she doesn't always remember all their names. But Obama's ruining the country.

I really detest Sarah Palin. I hate her willful, blithe ignorance; I hate her arrogance; I hate her insistence that you don't have to be good at anything, or know anything, in order to be politically influential. You just have to keep that wide, open mouthed smile going and your hair plastered in place. 

Comments

[LastChanceIVF]

Oh me oh my.

Your last paragraph? Complete and utter DITTO.

[Kirsten]

As usual, I am flabbergasted by your brilliance and your talent, not necessarily in that order.

[Bill Scurry]

You shouldn't have voted McCain/Palin in 2008, then.

[DR4e]

This is great! Can't wait for the book.

[Kirsten]

PS My father is always, pridefully, telling people that my mother -- during the campaign -- was once mistaken for Palin... as if that were a compliment. [shudder]

[Diana]

Hilarious...I laughed so hard! I can't understand why people are paying attention to that Palin woman. If EVERYONE would just ignore her, maybe she'll go away!? She aggravates the hell outta me. Her voice is like the sound of nails across a chalk board!

[Satia]

The wide open smile and plastic hair . . . I think I've seen that somewhere before. Oh yeah. On a Barbie doll. Hmmmm . . . another reason why my granddaughter will never ever get a Barbie doll from this side of the family.

My mother once had an outgoing voice message on her phone that I still love to this day:

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm busy trying to find a cure for Replicanism. Oh, I know, you probably think I should find a cure for cancer but really everyone has to die but nobody has to be a Republican.

I love my mother who never ever has looked like Sarah Palin.

[amy f.]

Obviously your mother needs a new neurologist. Clearly the one she has doesn't believe in education or intelligence (did you actually see a diploma on his wall) OR is in suffering from some type of dementia or major mental illness?
As for looking like that 1/2 term governor who quit to be a diva- I think I'd go with, "my mother looks like Tina Fey"--the Palin thing is too nauseating.
PS Did you see Palin clones are popping up, even dumber than she has? One got elected Delawarians thinking with the wrong part of their anatomies (anantomies she that are not to be self pleasured,BTW)

[funeral guy]

I just finished your book, Girlbomb. Very insightful as to the emotional turmoil of the late teen, early twenties period of life that moved me a great deal.

Sad to see that the end result of your journey led you to cookie cutter, brainless, I hate Republicans liberalism. (I see you are reinforced by your fans, as well.)

Hopefully, you'll grow up someday.

[Stana]

funeral guy is a dick.

[Swimmer51]

I read your book. Lots of talent, but even more anger. I will pray for you...

[Kirsten]

I don't know who made me laugh more... funeral guy or Swimmers51.

You do draw them out, Janice! Hilarious!

PS Should we take seriously someone with so little knowledge of basic grammar rules?

PPS I must add, you're a pretty lucky chick having a prayer circle of your very own. I just have a curse circle.

[funeral guy]

Stana...is it the fact that I am a dick or that I have a dick that bothers you most?

Speaking of dicks, the slutty teenage girl parts of your story were quite arousing. Please write a sequel with more of this kind of thing. Slowwwwwlllyy and with lots of detail. Yum.

[Satia]

Kirsten, I don't think one person praying qualifies as a circle. But it's a good start, if you're into that sort of thing. I think.

[Kirsten]

@Satia: What? You don't think funeral guy is praying for her too? He's gonna lose his teabagger card if he's not careful.

[Satia]

Kirsten, I never give credit where it's simply not due and anyone who doesn't even have the balls to give a real name is probably not spending a lot of time on his knees before God. I figure if he doesn't step up and say "This is what I'm doing" I am not bound to believe he's doing anything at all. I'm a skeptic.

[Janice]

Funeral guy loves Jesus and America! That's why he commented above to ask for underaged pornography.

[Satia]

Ahhh . . . but loving Jesus doesn't imply prayer for you, Janice. Sorry. I'm still unconvinced.